How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

I'm sooo glad I have Skillet singing this song...ohh, my heart trembles every single time I listen to it. I totally blame this song for crying in Abbey's wedding. TOTALLY.

makes me miss her - plus I heard Dashboard Confessional's "you have stolen my heart" song at the supermarket yesterday. gaww!

on another note...i've been thinking about "getting involved" with teenagers. maybe at church, maybe in some other way. time is what i consider precious (my love language) - so it is with my time that i need to be generous. why dont i just jump in and do something, anything? because i need to do it for the right reasons, not the selfish ones (like last time)...also, my definition of "it" may differ from God's definition...

i've never been so excited about something sooo scary before...and i actually feel motivated to write about my honours dissertation again because of it...wow! i never thought i would be able to talk about biased responding on schizophrenia proneness questionnaires again...but now i'm doing a frickin presentation on it for a bunch of schizophrenia experts. at least it's not til august - whew!


Blaze the night, lift the stake
Cause your world is broken
Everything’s on the floor
Whenever the word is spoken
Lonely bed you’re awake
Falling asleep you’re hoping
Faith will come through the door
Open up cause there’s still time

If you closed your eyes
If you took a breath
When the knife is on the ground
If you feel erased
When He’s in this place
Then your life it will be found

You will fall to your knees
It’s a tragic sickness
Just a step to the grave
Walk to the other side
You’re a slave when you’re free
Cause the remedy says
You will never be saved
Open up cause there’s still time

Lights fall, it’s clear
Your words are here

-"Lights of Reedsport" by Falling Up

it was totally disappointing that i didn't gain any superpowers on thursday. the nice man who injected me with the radioactive dye said i would have superpowers temporarily.

but he LIED.

boo.

all i got was this stupid bruise. at least he used my hand, cos when they use my arm, i totally look like a drug addict for the following week.

i still enjoyed being able to say i was radioactive tho. this thursday i get to be claustrophobic. i dont think i will enjoy it as much.

screw you, i dont need your help!

yep...the title pretty much sums up how i feel right now.

i totally had to swallow my pride in order to ask for help. but the hoops and the strings...it's not worth it. i dont need help that much - or at all. remember when you told me to quit? i said "screw you, i'm not quitting" - and i made it. i dont deserve to be treated like it's my fault that i'm this way.

what do you live for?
how can you walk around only thinking of yourself?
does your heart not break when you think of their suffering?
are you scared that when you are face-to-face with their suffering your weeping will overwhelm you?

i realized today, while sitting in a lecture about someone i used to be, that my past IS my past. how liberating it is to NOT feel those feelings when i think about who i used to be.

my future is going to be so radically different to my past - it's crazy. it's God.

i feel torn about going to the uni's disability services. on the one hand, i feel like i have no right to cos i'm not dealing with something major like other people. but on the other hand, i'm sick of fighting these damn health issues and getting no help.

yeah, i look and sound fine. but you don't see me when i cry alone in the middle of the night, not being able to sleep because of pain. you don't see my embarrassment at reaping painful consequences for sleeping on my stomach, standing for 20mins, or carrying my little brother around the zoo.

how am i supposed to have faith that God will heal me after waiting more than 7yrs? when i don't even ask 'why' anymore; i simply ask 'what will it be next year'?

i hate myself for complaining. i hate that i have anger and frustration towards close friends/family who don't even pretend to understand the severity of my circumstance. even when i think people are unjustified in their complaining, i still try to show compassion and understanding. i at least pretend that their feelings are valid even when i think they are making a big deal outta nothing.

i may be making a big deal outta nothing...but when it comes to girls, it's about feelings, not facts.

the zoo

as you may gather from the title, i went to the zoo. i have been planning to take my little bro to the zoo for like a year - waiting and waiting for the right time. and it finally came! he's a pro at walking now and curious about everything, so i knew he would really enjoy it.

so, last week i asked my dad if i could take MJ to the zoo. he hesitated, then asked Inese. she didn't skip a beat in responding that i wasn't experienced enough...at which point i quickly interrupted and said that Vicky would be going too...but no, even my sister is not experienced enough. we had to take the nanny with us. now, upon reflection once i got home and relayed the story to Lydia - i realized i wasn't offended at her telling me that i was not experienced enough...too true...but to say that my sister isn't is like saying Mary Poppins can't babysit or pull an umbrella outta her bag. come on now!

so, yes, we took the nanny with us. that was fine, and i know MJ had a lot of fun. but i KNOW she is gonna tell Inese how I almost let MJ touch the emu or how i almost let him roll into the bushes or how i kept laughing everytime he fell over...i cant help it! its not like he actually hurt himself!

at least i can make him laugh so hard he starts convulsing!!!

doubt creeps in. i can even hear its whispers.
"what if i have it wrong?" the wind haunts as i drift off to sleep.
blind faith is easier to swallow than faith based on fact.
yet i will continue to challenge my faith,
that i may strengthen it.
history throws up its hands and sighs defeat...
it does not know. it cannot tell us.
scholars argue while children weep.
sceptics laugh while souls mourn.
the price of reason.
the price of intellect.
another voice whispers deep within,
"is it worth the cost?"
faith is free
doubt is death